What was i thinking?

Many of you will be aware that I went back to work recently. Well, i’m working a contract, but hopefully there’ll be more where that came from. You see, I’d been off work for over 2 years. I’d struggled at first, I mean, really really struggled, and then I’d slowly begun to accept that maybe I would be at home until the youngest was at school. And I was okay with it. I had the routine down, had lowered my expectations of what kind of mother I could be (flawed), and I was starting to settle. Yes, JUST starting to settle after 2 years, let’s just say it had been one bleedin’ long bedding in period. Yes i was still a bit jaded, mouthed off once in a while about why women couldn’t have it all, but I was living with it. Struggling with my identity, going through some kind of third life crisis, but living with it all the same.

But then i went back to work, and i’ve got to say – WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? Me, Milk, a full time mum? 14 hours a day, non stop fetching, cleaning, cooking, wiping, mopping, shrieking? It’s just too bloody difficult. It’s not me. I’m too impatient, petulant, easily bored, obsessive, emotional, – goddamn too bloody tired most of the time to do all that.

My life suddenly has more balance. I have children days and work days. Weekdays and weekend days. Work clothes, sloppy clothes and, goddamn it, i now even have sexy clothes (and a sexy new fringe may I add). But seriously, this IS me. I think I might have lost myself for a while back there. Convinced myself i was someone else because, well, i had to.

But do you know what? I might have found it difficult, I might be happier having some me time and ponsing on a bit about monetising content and defining user journeys, but I jolly well did prove i COULD do the stay at home mum thing if I really really had to. Just pretty please don’t make me do it again.

Stay at home barbie

I used to think that stay-at-home-mums were a specific breed and that i was of an entirely different pedigree.

Stay-at-home-mums could never have been interested in a career, or ever been good enough at it. Were more interested in craft and baking, tea parties, discussing all over body tans and whether Camilla was old enough for a pony.

Stay-at-home mums liked to chat. About nothing. Endless chitchat. Gossiping. Complaining. Showing off.

They spent all their time on the phone, or shouting at their kids to get down from the sideboard.

They had certainly never been to University (otherwise they’d have wanted that career, surely).

They were either the earth mother type, all floury and flowery, or had married into money (or more of it).

And then (so unlikely i had thought) i became one.

And realised that being a stay-at-home mum is a circumstance not a disposition.

Stay-at-home mums come in all shapes and sizes. Have different stories. Different motivations and expectations.

I have met an ex lawyer, a head teacher, a secretary, a doctor, a hairdresser. All taking a career break to look after their young children. Feminists, community activists, triathletes. All just trying to make it work. Unified by luck or brevity for choosing this path.

It seems Breadwinner Ken will have to go back on the shelf next to my copy of The easy way to overcoming prejudice.

A Milk Retrospective: What do you do all day?

This was my second ever post. It pretty much sums up the reasons why i started blogging in the first place.

Loyal readers will be more than familiar with the themes. Big change. Loss of identity. The need to justify my new existence.

All these feelings are still relevant. Though i’m starting to feel a little more at home in my new life.

For all new readers, enjoy. For all the rest, new post coming soon!

Someone recently said to me “I’m so over work; I can’t wait to have kids and let other people look after me”. Once I’d picked my jaw off the floor, and wiped the piteous look of “oh love, how misguided you are” from my face I felt pretty annoyed. The truth is, if someone had asked me 6 months ago I would have chosen full time work over full time parenthood any day of the week. Looking after kids 24/7 was so much harder than any job i’d had. Even the ones i’d really hated. I read somewhere once that the constant whines for attention from a child work in similar ways to chinese water torture. Ok so this is probably a bit over the top. However I don’t think i’d be exaggerating to describe the worst days as “emotionally traumatic”.

Try and get friends who’ve never experienced it to understand. Impossible. To be fair, what do you expect when every time they ring and ask what you’re doing the reply comes back “I’m in the coffee shop” or “I’m at indoor play”? You can hear the pause as they try to reconcile the nightmarish existence you’ve told them about with their present mental image of you frolicking around the ball pit laughing maniacally.

The truth is, full time parenthood challenges you to your very being. For almost every second of a 12 hour “working” day you have to put your own needs on hold while you pamper to the demands of the most unreasonable and demanding of customers. All this while staying calm and fair. Xist I’ve had days where i’ve put off going the loo for 4 hours because my toddler just would not be put down.

So, Ms Tacoma, what do we do all day? Constantly fall short of our own expectations. And it is thoroughly exhausting. No wonder we don’t want to pick up the phone and talk to “friends” like you.