Bored to tears

13 Jun

I don’t think there’s anything worse than being bored. Boredom destroys me.

Incidentally I also can’t stand waiting. I’ve been known to declare the end of a friendship over being kept waiting for 15 mins. Boredom and impatience; not the easiest of bedfellows.

Boredom is the reason I overeat, the reason I make lists when I’ve nothing pressing to do. It’s why I think too much, overanalyse things, invent catastrophic endings for scenarios that haven’t even happened yet. I just have to fill in the gaps, somehow, or all hell seems to break loose.

I’ve had my fair share of jobs where I’ve been paid to pretty much do nothing. In the early years anyway. A working day wiled away with the repetitive click of a mouse – click-refresh, click-refresh – like some OCD computer monkey. Other people would have bitten their hands of for a bit of time as an overpaid primate, but not me. I was utterly miserable. For me, boredom = torture.

I’m a doer, like my mum. She never stopped. Single parent, 2 jobs, dog, cats, big house. I feel extremely uncomfortable when there’s nothing to do. In fact, I’m at my happiest when doing at least 3 things simultaneously. It’s not unusual for me to be found sat on the sofa watching television while tapping away on the keyboard while simultaneously reading a newspaper or texting a long, indepth message to a friend I’ve not seen in ages. It’s like if my whole brain isn’t engaged all at the same time, if any part is left unoccupied, then I start to get very anxious. I get very low very quickly.

I’m not sure if it’s boredom or just the lack of something. But why does a gap, a break in the proceedings, a pause for breath make me so totally and disproportionately anxious? I’ve wanted to figure that one out for a very long time because a bit of relaxation, indulgent “me-time” would be quite nice once in a while. And no more so than now. But unengaged brain or body = boredom = run a frickin’ mile until you find the nearest pile of washing up.

A psychiatrist once told me it was to do with personal drivers, those pesky things that are set in place by the age of 3, are almost always destructive in some way, and seemingly impossible to change. Apparently “being busy” rates quite highly among mine. Nothing to do = bored = waste of space or something like that anyway. It has no value to me.

I think that’s why I’m struggling at the moment. At first there was an unbelievable amount of stuff that needed doing. Funerals, tax forms, property, people to advise, friends to thank. It was even kind of, dare I say it, exciting. Life wasn’t normal, mundane. Every 5 mins had a purpose.

Now, suddenly, there is nothing to do. I am bored out of my skull. I feel empty, rudderless, abandoned even.

I have so many gaps – suddenly – in my life, and I’m just not sure how to fill them.

6 Responses to “Bored to tears”

  1. Rosie Scribble June 13, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    I’m not surprised you’re struggling now. I expect you time was taken up with so many practical things and now that’s finished there’s more time to reflect on your loss. So no wonder you’re feeling abandoned. I hate boredom too. And waiting for people. Drives me insane. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

  2. Belgravia Wife - sort of June 13, 2011 at 7:02 pm #

    I had a very dodgy patch after my dad died, I’m not saying it will get easier, but if you have a second take a look at a Dylan Thomas poem – Do Not Gently Into That Good Night xx

  3. kelloggsville June 13, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

    I so relate. If I can’t tick stuff off a list (even a list that says washup, hoover) then I feel like I’ve wasted a day. I fill a lot of my time with volunteer work for Guiding. Don’t ever feel at a loose end…always happy to have extra helpers 🙂

  4. Lady-like Pervert June 14, 2011 at 2:13 am #

    I can see how being busy is a great self-soother… I do the same when I am upset. Keeping busy constantly keeps you distracted from what hurts in your heart.

    xo

    I was sorry to hear about your sad night tonight. 😦

  5. Donna @ NappyDaze June 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    Agreed, too much time to think is a dangerous thing, especially after all you have been through. Trust me, I would be dong the same if I were you, constantly seeking the next thing to take my mind off of it all. Hope peace eventually comes x

  6. Doodlemum June 15, 2011 at 9:37 am #

    It’s normal to feel so deflated after so much, it’s normal to want to get away from them too. Why not focus on something you’re looking forward to that makes you happy?
    I went to Paris on what my Mum left me and spent 2 weeks there looking at all the art galleries, it was a fantastic time and one I wouldn’t been able to afford.
    Perhaps now is the time to fill these gaps with new things you haven’t experienced before.

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