I am grateful

9 Jun

There has been some anger. Intermittently. Less than I expected. And yet, as I described in The natural order of things, there is nothing so grossly unnatural or twisted about losing my mum now.  Losing her is devastating of course, unfair, paralysing, and the rollercoaster hurtles through panic, fear, inconsolation, desparation, anxiety and more. I shouldn’t be an orphan at 34. And yet, despite how quickly and harshly the progression of the last few months, despite 71 being no age to go, despite 2 months not being in any way long enough to say goodbye, despite all this, there is an awful lot I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I had a mum so utterly dedicated to her children. A mum with a natural instinct to love and protect.

I am grateful that we had 34 years – rich, memory-filled years full of poignant, sometime magical moments.

I am grateful that my mum was here to welcome both my boys into this world. I am grateful for the tears she shed, and the cuddles she gave and received.

I am grateful that my mum saw me married. Watched as my family was built on love and trust, and that she was reassured at the end, that I was in good hands.

I am grateful for the precious few months we had before she went. The time to talk, to tell eachother all the things we needed to, to express our love in moments of enforced clarity.

I am grateful that I was there at the end. That I got to hold her hand as she passed away. That the moment was peaceful, without pain or fear, that she was surrounded by two proud, loving daughters, the air filled with the music that she loved.

I am grateful for that music. That when I listen to it I can feel connected to her in a way that is indescribably perfect,incomparable to any physical thing, spiritual even. A truly wondrous gift.

I am grateful for her strength, pride and devotion; for the lessons she taught me, and the person I was able to become.

I am grateful for all these gifts, and more.

Many people don’t have half of what I have. Some much less. What a lucky girl I am.

15 Responses to “I am grateful”

  1. greenmumsblog June 9, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    What a beautiful post and one your mum would be proud of I’m sure x

  2. Vegemitevix June 9, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

    There you go again making me cry. Beautiful and poignant. xx

  3. scribblingmum June 9, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    It takes great strength to recognise what you are grateful for, not what you miss. I’m glad that today you felt like that, I think every day is different isn’t it so all you can do is take each day as it comes and go with it. I do love your writing you know. x

  4. rachel frowd June 9, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

    x x x x x x me too darling, me too x x x x x

  5. Alexander Residence June 9, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    Beautiful and so true. Thank you, my rollercoaster took a bit of a downward spiral of late. I feel like I am waving to you from a few months further down the track though. We are the same age and I share so many of your I am grateful fors. Just what I needed to read and be reminded of. I love that you have that music.

  6. kelloggsville June 9, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

    You are indeed lucky to have been able to build a decent closure. Too often people are taken from us without any warning and closure seems unobtainable.

    I am pleased you are grateful and have found the things that you can be grateful for, it is a much more peaceful place to live than with despair or anger.

  7. @LincolnAndMe June 9, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

    Lovely post. I am grateful for every day and I need to stop taking it for granted even more so xxx

  8. Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments June 9, 2011 at 11:41 pm #

    You are so very lucky to have been loved by a mum like yours. I love to read about how you were loved and how she continues to love you through all the things that remind you of her. Thank you for writing this.

  9. Simone June 10, 2011 at 12:15 am #

    Goosebumps from head to foot.
    What a beautiful post.

  10. Nataliya June 10, 2011 at 6:11 am #

    I think if your mum could read this she would be so hugely proud, proud of herself for doing such a good job as a mother, and proud she has raised someone who cares so much. You are indeed very lucky 🙂

  11. Linda Jones June 10, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    So poignant and moving. Good luck in taking each day as it comes.

  12. TheMadHouse June 10, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    Thank you for reminding me, that I need to be more Grateful. Like Penny I am a few months further on this journey and feeling not so good at the mo. You guys keep me sane

  13. Julia Skinner June 10, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

    I lost my mum over 30 years ago but this post has made me stop & think about her, our relationship & my thoughts since. Some of it is anger, some of it confusion. ATM I’m a little muddled but I think that is good so thank you H!

  14. Claire June 11, 2011 at 8:28 am #

    This is a beautiful post. x

  15. Muddling Along June 12, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    Oh Milk I wish I knew what to say other than that this is beautiful and poignant and I wish I could come over and give you a hug and erase some of the pain xxx

I'm all about the debate. Would love to hear what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: