The natural order of things

22 May

Losing my mum stinks. I miss her with an ache, an emptiness that throbs away in the pit of my stomach, a sadness that never dissipates.   Tears are rare for they seem pointless.  I have nowhere to go with my grief, cannot replace what is lost, or make it better with a good cry or a restful night’s sleep.

But sitting alongside and comforting me, holding my hand and pushing my chin up, is the sense that somehow at least, this is the natural order of things. A few years too early – ten, maybe even twenty years but not unnatural, grossly distorted or sickeningly unfair.  Every child must lose their mother. Though I wouldn’t choose it, I can carry it.

If I had lost my mother just 12 months ago, 6 months even,  I fear I would have fallen apart. Still lacking confidence, unsure of who I was or what I would become. But things have changed for me this past year; I have felt myself grow stronger, more centred, calmer, and I seem strangely prepared, more accepting.  More than this, since the day my mum died I have felt as if all her strength, dignity, calm has been transposed into me. Her gift. And it seems to carry me, even in my darkest moments.

Every child must lose their mother, and it is the task of the parent to prepare them for that. To give them the skills, the fortitude, the drive to live their lives.  My mum gave all this to me, and  though I ache for her, long for it to be different, I  sense that this is my time, that she is there willing me on, that this is what life is about. Me and my babies. Nature’s cycle.

And I think about the infants that lose their mothers before the nurturing has come to an end.  To me that is unnatural and devastating. Everyone must lose their mother, but not before they have given their blessing and passed over the mantel freely and with love.

16 Responses to “The natural order of things”

  1. TheBoyandMe May 22, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    Beautiful and so true. I still have my parents however since becoming a mum myself I have realised that the day will come… hopefully not for ten, maybe twenty years, but it will.

    Chin up chick, knowing that your mum made you who you are.

  2. Simone May 23, 2011 at 12:59 am #

    Oh Henri, I just got goosebumps reading this.
    You almost made me cry.
    What a beautiful post. What beautiful truths!
    I can feel emotions welling up behind my ears threatening to spill over.
    Big hugs to you my lovely lovely Mother-friend.
    xxxxx

  3. Simone May 23, 2011 at 1:00 am #

    Oh bugger.
    Behind my EYES. not my ears. Who ever heard of weeping ears that didn’t require grommits???
    Serves me right for trying to be poetic. i really should check for typos before i hit “Post”

  4. Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments May 23, 2011 at 1:00 am #

    I can only hope to give my children “the skills, the fortitude, the drive to live their lives”. Thank you for the reminder of how important the task of mothering is (even on a day when the entire notion is completely overwhelming).

    Thinking of you.

    Maija

  5. Wanderlust May 23, 2011 at 3:53 am #

    What a beautiful tribute to your mother. Her gifts are evident in and between the words written here, for your strength and grace shine through. You are in my thoughts. x

  6. TheMadHouse May 23, 2011 at 7:07 am #

    I too dont shed many tears, for they will not bring her back. I still get angery and upset at the unfairness of it all. I do not feel this was her time and I am so alone without her. But everyday I get up, and get on with life.

  7. brinkofbedlam May 23, 2011 at 7:16 am #

    Beautifully written and very true I think. You show real dignity and strength in this post. xxx

  8. bsouth May 23, 2011 at 8:29 am #

    Beautiful post Henri.

  9. tim May 23, 2011 at 8:35 am #

    wonderful writing, absolutely wonderful.

  10. rozzibee May 23, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

    What a lovely post. You always write so beautifully x

  11. Lady-like Pervert May 23, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    I love the beautiful spirituality of her gift being passed on to you in her death… so beautiful.
    xo

  12. Claire May 24, 2011 at 8:34 am #

    That is so beautiful and so very true. If I can pass such wisdom and serenity to my children as your mum has obviously passed to you, then I will have done my job as a mother extremely well. Many hugs to you xxx

  13. Michelloui | The American Resident May 26, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    This was so wonderfully well said. x

  14. Rosie Scribble May 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    I’m just hear to say what a beautful post this is and I hope your getting by. x

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I am grateful « - June 9, 2011

    […] has been some anger. Intermittently. Less than I expected. And yet, as I described in The natural order of things, there is nothing so grossly unnatural or twisted about losing my mum now.  Losing her is […]

  2. I Am Grateful: Guest Post by Henrietta Pretty | The Passenger Diaries - July 16, 2011

    […] has been some anger. Intermittently. Less than I expected. And yet, as I described in The natural order of things, there is nothing so grossly unnatural or twisted about losing my mum now.  Losing her is […]

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