Tag Archives: diet

M2M’s guide to successful weightloss

9 Nov

So, as you may already know, I am currently on a diet. I don’t believe in diets. yada yada.

Despite that, I have lost a stone and a half in 8 weeks. Not bad for someone who’s still partial to drinking her weight in wine.

So, since I am now the queen of weightloss I thought I’d share my top 5 weigh day tips with you:-

1) Always drink a bottle of wine the night before weigh day and abstain from all other types of beverage, particularly water. This will ensure you are sufficiently dehydrated to knock a couple of pounds off.

2) The only exception to this is a disgustingly strong black coffee that must be consumed an hour before weigh-in. A whacking dose of caffeine should have its desired effect within 15-30 mins, and a really good poo does absolute wonders with those scales.

3) Aside from a trunkful of coffee, abstain from all food on the morning of the weigh in.  Even a moderate breakfast will add a good 1/2 pound to the scales. If, like me, skipping breakfast often leads to low sugar nauseau you may even strike it lucky by expelling the previous night’s dinner to boot.

4)  Always, always, choose your clothing carefully.  Leggings or very light gym bottoms are ideal. Even better,  start your weight loss journey in winter and end in the peak of summer.  This gives you the perfect opportunity to start off with at least 13 extra items of clothing on, shedding one per week, thus giving the illusion that you are losing an extra half a pound each time.

5) The ultimate tip for a good weigh day? Don’t go – weigh yourself in the comfort of your own home with your 20-yr-old weighing scales that always start off a smidgen below 0, weigh on very soft, squidgy carpet, and if you’ve followed tip no.1 your vision might be sufficiently blurred to make differentiating an 8 and a 0 largely impossible.

After all, it’s only psychological bullshit this weight loss thing. And we’re all going to put it all back on again over Christmas.

So there you have it. Thank me later.  Now where did I put that wine.

What a load of quark. Why I hate diets.

16 Oct

I’m on a diet and I’m eating sodding Quark. Things are not good.

And I don’t do diets.  I think it’s a miserable state of affairs. All that counting and measuring and recording.  Taking off all the good bits like crispy skin, singed fat and a side-order of fries, and leaving yourself with all the tasteless insipid shit.  Eating more fruit and vegetables than you’ve eaten in years, downing gallons of diet drinks in the hope they’ll fill up your grumbling tummy enough to get you through to the next yoghurt-kissed rice cake.  Dreaming of butter and  monosodium glutamate while nearly passing out with unsatiated desire.

And largely speaking, diets DON’T work.   You’re just on and off them for life. Batted between gnat tum and fat tum.

But I’ve put on a stone and a half in the 5 months after my mum died.  You’d think being a skinny bint would be payback for months of heartache, but oh no, in my case my arse just got bigger to keep my heavy heart company.

So i’m raping and pillaging the extra weight from my loins and then i’m never dieting again.  And I’m sending the half eaten packet of Quark to WeightWatcher HQ and telling them to stuff it where the sun don’t shine.  Which is probably quite rotund considering that noone at weightwatchers including the so-called “advisors” are thin.

Except me, of course. I will be thin. Honest.