Three children and too much information

14 Dec

As most of you will know I have 3 children. Well I have 2 children that I gave birth to, but a few years ago I acquired a third – a 92 yr old neighbour called Walter who has variously called me fat, told me I have bad breath and asked me whether I wanted his (dead) wife’s open pack of stockings.

Walter is a German ex prisoner-of-war who has no family or friends in this country, and who has, over the years, alienated the rest of our neighbourhood. Apparently they don’t take too kindly to being asked whether they are pregnant again or just fat, and are not buttered up by a half eaten packet of eclairs.

On the other hand, we’ve become really rather fond of Walter over the years; however, we definitely have a love/hate relationship. Having someone knock on the glass partition of your adjoining porch doors 7 times a day to get your attention would rattle even the world’s most patient person.  But we do try and do our best for him, which in reality is rather a lot. Doing his shopping, taking phone calls, arranging appointments, doing his weekly lottery, putting his socks on, taking his measurements for new underwear.  I’ve drawn the line at cleaning his house and washing his feet but not much else has really come between us.

A few weeks ago I walked in on him having a wee in the washing machine. Neither he nor I batted an eyelid. Apparently the past 5 years have foistered an intimacy and understanding that is not shattered by the sight of a 92 yr old penis.

In any case, my children got their own back on me tonight. Finally sitting down on the toilet with the paper and some peace and quiet I hear the familiar bang bang on the glass partition door. “Leave it” I shout downstairs as I hear my eldest turn the handle and slowly open the front door. “Walter” he shouts really loudly (Walter is also profoundly deaf) “Walter” he screams, just incase the rest of the neighbourhood hasn’t heard,”you’ll have to knock back later, mummy’s on the toilet doing a poo”.

To be honest, I wasn’t even too bothered. Apparently we’re well passed any embarrassment over MY bodily functions as well.

24 Responses to “Three children and too much information”

  1. jfb57 December 14, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    Oh you are terrible you know but I like you *thumps arm causing H to stumble in Dick Emery fashion*

  2. maggy,red ted art December 14, 2011 at 8:44 pm #


    I think it is FABULOUS that you are helping an elderly neighbour like this!! Go you!


  3. kate December 14, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    Im touched, that you look after your neighbour. I think he really does appreciate all your help, and probably really looks forward to seeing you. Merry Christmas xx

  4. rozzibee December 14, 2011 at 9:59 pm #

    Oh bless. You are lovely for being so sweet to him, and I’m sure he really appreciates it x

  5. kelloggsville December 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

    That is really wonderful, completely caring. I am a bit worried about the wee-ing in the washing machine: top loader – then he’s really tall or front loader and he’s really small or maybe he’s just a really good aim, which at 92 I doubt, so I’m guessing he was just pee-ing AT the washing machine *sigh*.

    • marketingtomilk December 14, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

      Umm, i think you may have overthought this one. it’s a question of distance, i think

  6. Simone @Greatfun4kids December 15, 2011 at 2:07 am #

    ahhh you’re fab!
    made me laugh out loud the whole way through, this did!!!

  7. Maxabella December 15, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    Brilliantly written and too, too funny. I’m kind of fond of old Water myself now… x

    • marketingtomilk December 15, 2011 at 8:30 am #

      yeah he still gets you, despite the bad habits. ;>)

  8. karen Jones December 15, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    A truly wonderful post, I know you might feel like you don’t have any choice, but actually you do and so this shows what a lovely person you are.
    We have elderly neighbours all around us and we have a great community spirit. We all help each other out and I pray that if I live to be 92 I have a neighbour like you xx

    • marketingtomilk December 17, 2011 at 9:19 am #

      I think about this sometimes. But if you are an averagely caring person i don’t think you have a choice…’s an obligation really, or should be


  9. scribblingmum December 15, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Oh you’re a good soul, H.

  10. Kirsten Lodge December 15, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    I laughed out loud to the point where my flatmate asked ‘you right in there?’… Most people wouldn’t give a shit about an old guy like that. The world needs more genuinely kind and bloody hilarious people like you.

  11. marketingtomilk December 15, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    Oh, bless you, you’re too good for this world and it’s admirable that you help Walter in the way you do. Not sure I could stand the sight of a 92yr old penis and him weeing in the washing machine, gag. Tell him in German to bugger off “verpiss Dich” but please don’t tell him you know another German in Beckenham, he’ll come and knock on our door lol. We’re not all nutters, only some ;-). xx

    • marketingtomilk December 17, 2011 at 9:20 am #

      i didn’t say this…..strange…..but by deciphering i can work out who it is. Thanks hun! x

  12. Mrs TeePot December 16, 2011 at 2:41 pm #

    ROFL! Oh now there’s a story to share at a dinner party 😉

  13. Chris Mosler December 17, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    You make me laugh so hard my eyes water. I read this one out loud to the husband and he guffawed too which is always satisfying. Thanks Milk.

    • marketingtomilk December 17, 2011 at 9:20 am #

      oh we always love to entertain the husbands….oh, that came out wrong….you know what i mean


  14. Brian Stevenson Dertamuso January 9, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    It s little things like this and bigger issues as well that parents of children with autism have to go through all day long.

I'm all about the debate. Would love to hear what you think.

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