M2M’s guide to successful weightloss

9 Nov

So, as you may already know, I am currently on a diet. I don’t believe in diets. yada yada.

Despite that, I have lost a stone and a half in 8 weeks. Not bad for someone who’s still partial to drinking her weight in wine.

So, since I am now the queen of weightloss I thought I’d share my top 5 weigh day tips with you:-

1) Always drink a bottle of wine the night before weigh day and abstain from all other types of beverage, particularly water. This will ensure you are sufficiently dehydrated to knock a couple of pounds off.

2) The only exception to this is a disgustingly strong black coffee that must be consumed an hour before weigh-in. A whacking dose of caffeine should have its desired effect within 15-30 mins, and a really good poo does absolute wonders with those scales.

3) Aside from a trunkful of coffee, abstain from all food on the morning of the weigh in.  Even a moderate breakfast will add a good 1/2 pound to the scales. If, like me, skipping breakfast often leads to low sugar nauseau you may even strike it lucky by expelling the previous night’s dinner to boot.

4)  Always, always, choose your clothing carefully.  Leggings or very light gym bottoms are ideal. Even better,  start your weight loss journey in winter and end in the peak of summer.  This gives you the perfect opportunity to start off with at least 13 extra items of clothing on, shedding one per week, thus giving the illusion that you are losing an extra half a pound each time.

5) The ultimate tip for a good weigh day? Don’t go – weigh yourself in the comfort of your own home with your 20-yr-old weighing scales that always start off a smidgen below 0, weigh on very soft, squidgy carpet, and if you’ve followed tip no.1 your vision might be sufficiently blurred to make differentiating an 8 and a 0 largely impossible.

After all, it’s only psychological bullshit this weight loss thing. And we’re all going to put it all back on again over Christmas.

So there you have it. Thank me later.  Now where did I put that wine.

11 Responses to “M2M’s guide to successful weightloss”

  1. Chris Mosler November 9, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

    Hiccups Happily…works for me! Thank you, you have made malaugh and cheered me up. x

  2. Chris Mosler November 9, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

    me…laugh. Sorry. Rapid typing. Glass of wine. No glasses.

    • marketingtomilk November 9, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

      I’m interested in the glass of wine without glasses.

  3. jfb57 November 9, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    I began reading this with my serious face on. It was not there at then end! Hilarious!

  4. Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments November 9, 2011 at 9:34 pm #

    I’m particularly fond of #1. So fond of it in fact I might subscribe to your thinking tonight!

  5. Karen (@mumislast) November 9, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    Ha ha ha – love it !

  6. Misha- The Bling Buoy November 10, 2011 at 1:02 am #

    Ha ha! Maybe if I have enough wine tonight the blurry number I see on the scales can be more open to “interpretation”. I like your thinking. 🙂

  7. SAHMlovingit November 10, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Hahaha fab! I’ll be referring to this next April when I was to shed the baby weight for sure.

    Can I just ask though…where did you get that photo of me on the scales?

    p.s. Congrats on the weight loss – and the wine consumption. I’m jealous of both!

  8. Suzi November 10, 2011 at 8:04 pm #

    Bah ha ha! That is awesome!!

  9. fashion jewelry wholesale November 11, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    Some of those are great. Others are pretty ordinary thought

  10. Mayfair Mum November 13, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    If I’d been eating at the time, it would have been back out of my nostrils in no time! Great work. Keep it up!

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