Back to normal

25 Jul

I’m back to work tomorrow after 3 months off.

It didn’t quite turn out the way I expected.  I took the time off to help my mum through her treatment, but then she went and died on me after only a few weeks. I decided to the take time off anyway, to give me the space to adjust,  to let things settle, as well as time to go through all her things and get the house ready to sell.

3 months on;  the house is still unsold and we have sorted through only a fraction of her things. And the grieving? I’ve hardly started.

I’m lucky. Not everyone could have taken this time out. It’s given me the space to think, to digest and start to process all the memories, a finite store of memories now so precious to me. But like the house, I’ve merely scratched the surface.

For others life has moved on. People have stopped asking how I am, or they ask expecting some other, more mundane explanation. PMT or a difficult exchange with another mum at the school gates. For them, my mum’s passing is no longer headline news.  For me the newsflash still plays over.

But life must return to normal. I have to earn money, start to contribute again.

Tomorrow I will get up and put on smart clothes and do my hair. I will get on the 8.02 train to Charing Cross and walk the 20 mins to the office. I will say hello to the same people, sit at my old desk, write a new list of things to do. I will plan and discuss and prioritise, just as I did before.

And yet nothing is like it was before. My world is altered like a refracted image in a cracked mirror.  A distorted world that I am still struggling to make sense of.

I wonder if anyone will notice.

13 Responses to “Back to normal”

  1. SAHMlovingit July 25, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

    I think after any major bereavement nothing is ever the same again. Even when you think you’re ‘done’ with grieving (if that’s possible) life just lacks that certain something, or should I say certain someone.

    I hope it all goes well for you tomorrow x

  2. The Moiderer July 25, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    I think you’re very brave to go back to work. It must be so hard after 3 months and what a 3 months. Normality will happen very quickly once that initial awkwardness has passed. Well done

  3. Wanderlust July 25, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    There is no normal after such a loss, is there? A new normal perhaps, eventually. It takes a long time, longer than others want it to take. I remember several months after my mom died I was visiting a friend in London and she told me I just needed to ‘get over it’ and move on. I was 28. You never really get over it, but you do move on and adjust. Much love to you. xo

  4. Sarah July 25, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    Hi, you adjust everything to help everyone else move on…. but getting over it? 11 years next week and I’m defintely still not over it and I doubt I ever will, but I’ve learnt how to deal with the pain. Take care tomorrow.xx

  5. Liveotherwise July 25, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

    You will probably be surprised which ppl do, I know I was in similar circumstances. Hope it goes as well as it can.

  6. TheBoyandMe July 25, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

    The best of luck, you might welcome the routine back again.

  7. rachel frowd July 26, 2011 at 7:12 am #

    I’m thinking of you babsy, hoping for the best. That people do remember to ask, do notice.
    x

  8. scribblingmum July 26, 2011 at 7:26 am #

    It always amazed me that people still carried on, walked down the street, chatted, laughed even. Hadn’t they heard, didn’t they know?! It’s a strange thing.

    Hope the day goes ok. You take your time. X

  9. Julia Skinner July 26, 2011 at 7:58 am #

    They will notice but not all the time because you won’t show it all the time. You need to tuck away the thought that black clouds and sadness will envelope you when you are least expecting it. That is the time to be kind to yourself.xx

  10. Chris Mosler July 26, 2011 at 8:00 am #

    I’m thinking about you with love. x

  11. Tanya (Bump2Basics) July 26, 2011 at 11:08 am #

    Good luck today, I hope you get support and give yourself some breathing time when you need it. And remember that your mum is looking down on you proud.

  12. Mrs Worthington July 28, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    Over 20 years since my mum died of cancer and I still miss her. I had a similar loss 4 years ago which really affected my kids and we still have bad days. You will be amazed at your inner strength, just roll with the punches and don’t beat yourself up when you day goes a wee bit pear shaped. We’re human not perfect

  13. Adventures of a Working Mum August 2, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    My beloved mother died at the end of April so I can completely relate to this. Colleagues and friends were very sympathetic for a few weeks but then it’s as if nothing ever happened. My world has been turned irreparably upside down but I’m expected to be back to normal. I guess we just have to find a new ‘normal’. x

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