5 things you’d rather not hear as a woman

22 Jul

There are some things that, as a woman, you dread hearing. They usually relate to your appearance, and are almost always followed by some kind of desparate pleading to a deity you never otherwise acknowledge.

Five of my favourites:

1.  “I think you might have sat in something” . A casual remark from a friend / acquaintance – nearly always a man. As you twist your head round to sneak a peak at your bottom area the desparate pleading starts “Oh dear god let it be that – mud, gravy, anything –  just please let it be that and not the other thing…”

2. Admiring your new, stylish, jaw-lined bob in the mirror your hairdresser turns to you and says “Do you mind if i just trim your neck hair with the clippers”.  Turning your head a little to the right you start to notice a bit of a graduation going on – rather a lot of graduation actually – and so the voice begins in earnest “Oh dear lord, pretty please stop there, no, no higher – not a shave, definitely not a shave, oh god purlease!”.

3. “Gosh £9 for that top, that’s good”. A pointed remark, casually thrown in by “Hobbs Harriet” who’s always sizing you up like she’s selecting the plumpest pig for her sunday roast.  So it starts again “Oh dear god, lovely lord on high, pls let me have removed the label this time.” as if there could be any other explanation.  As if this yummy mummy’s gonna have recalled the item as the one she was admiring at the weekend on the “everything must go” rail at Primark.

4.”I think your baby just sicked up”.  Rolling your eyes and muttering something about it being the third time that day you look down only to take a sharp, painful intake of breath as you notice the proximity to your nipple. “Oh dear god, no, purlease let it be sick, smelly, nasty sick, just not….”  Right about now you are feeling as sexy as a lactating goat.

And of course, the golden nugget:

5. “Are you pregnant again?”   The world-stopping comment that kickstarts the most ludicrous and desparate of all pleads “Oh god yes, pls let me be pregnant, …” as if you wouldn’t have noticed it before. And in my case no, (kind neighbour who has said this to me twice this year) I am not pregnant. I am fat. Fat from the boxes of chocolates you keep bringing round, and the stomach muscles that can no longer hold in the rounds of lard that are now projecting over my trousers like a double chocolate chip muffin.

I seem to find that with ageing comes so many more of these types of physical embarrassment, presumably either because I am too busy/tired/senile to take proper care of myself and plan ahead, and/or because people think I no longer appreciate tact.


7 Responses to “5 things you’d rather not hear as a woman”

  1. Vegemitevix July 22, 2011 at 2:34 pm #

    Aging? Whaaat? Just wait till you get a card for your 40th from you MIL making a change of how you must be feeling hot flushes now. Sigh.

  2. Barenakedmummy July 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    I hate number 5 – I used to say it was left over baby fat – but I guess I can’t anymore (now the girls are 7 and 3)!

  3. Muddling Along July 22, 2011 at 2:42 pm #

    My especial favourite is ‘did you leave in a hurry this morning?’ – usually because I’ve failed to notice baby snot / sick on my shoulder

    How does this not happen to fathers?

  4. jfb57 July 22, 2011 at 2:49 pm #

    I’m laughing again! Thank you H! I just hope YOU haven’t had those things said to you. Between you & me *come closer so no-one will hear* I’ve thought some of them!!

  5. TheBoyandMe July 22, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

    Brilliant. I have experienced the clothes tag situation. I was standing in the queue for the ladies when I noticed the price tag hanging down on my jacket; eek.

  6. Simone July 22, 2011 at 10:49 pm #

    Hey sweet milk!
    funny funny post… not so funny, just sad and mean comments from ass-faced eggheads.
    that last one kills me.
    Especially when accompanied by a tender “cupping” of your belly fat…
    “How many months…?”

    I’m still hnot over it.

  7. susie@newdaynewlesson July 24, 2011 at 3:34 am #

    Yup -can relate seeing as my little daughter has been poking at my stomach lately and asking why is my belly so fat? It’s because I have a baby in there right? NOOOOO little one, it’s because your mama is fat.

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