Angry

29 Apr

I’m ANGRY.

Angry that the grandparents my children will know, grow up with, remember, won’t be MY parents. That the one they will call Grandma won’t be MY mum, the one they will know as Grandad will be someone else’s.

I’m angry that my Mum will be a hazy recollection, snapshots – splintered and one-dimensional – just as my Dad is now just a photo on the fridge. Their absence juxtaposed against a life filled with love and cuddles and memories from their other, “real” grandparents.

I’m angry that it won’t be my mum that picks them up from school, that wraps her arms around them and asks them what their day was like. That she’ll never see the expression on their faces as they unwrap her carefully chosen Christmas present, or heap praise on them when they read their first words.

I’m angry that I will have to live more of my life without her than I have done with. One of the most important people to me – my mother, my best friend – here for just a fraction of my life. Killed off after only the first few chapters.

I’m angry that the person that has been at the centre of my universe for 34 years has been snatched away from me, cruelly, suddenly, and that I have to relearn to live my life without her.

I’m angry that at just 34 I am an orphan.

I’m angry that my “go to person”, my reference point for all the decisions I make, the person at the end of the telephone when I’m feeling unsteady or unsure, has become unavailable. Permanently engaged.

I’m angry that I have to make sense of all of this by myself.

I’m really fucking angry, and my rage is selfish and personal. For now it’s all about me.

31 Responses to “Angry”

  1. Alli Marshall April 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

    I know how angry you feel as I have this anger too.
    X

  2. Laura_987 April 29, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

    I too have lost my mum and I know there are no words so I’ll just send ((hugs)) x

  3. TheBoyandMe April 29, 2011 at 8:10 pm #

    I have not been in your situation and so can’t completely understand how you feel, but I can empathise. This whole situation is not fair and you should be angry. I have one memory of my Bampi which I clutch onto, but he died when I was two and a half. I have come to accept that I will lose my parents and I am praying that I will have them for long enough to ensure that The Boy has a bank of memories of them. Until then, all I can do is get photos and videos for his future.

    I don’t think anyone will ever get over the loss of their parents, particularly their mum. You should not have become an orphan so young. Heartfelt sympathies.

  4. brinkofbedlam April 29, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

    I’ve not been through loss like this, and I can’t really say anything that will help. All I can say is that I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what you’re going through. Heartfelt hugs which sounds stupid, but I do mean it. xxx

  5. Mwa (Lost in Translation) April 29, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

    I’m so sorry for you.

  6. scribblingmum April 29, 2011 at 9:10 pm #

    I’m angry for you too, for all the things you say. And I am so sorry, I know a similar anger and it’s a raw feeling to have inside you but one that I hope softens over time. X

  7. liveotherwise April 29, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    I have nothing helpful or empathic to say, but wanted to let you know that I read. Anger sounds like the only sane reaction tbh.

  8. Lady-like Pervert April 30, 2011 at 2:39 am #

    Do you know how long I thought about what I should say here?? A LONG time… and I have nothing comforting to say to you. Only that I am CERTAIN that anger is exactly what you should be feeling right now. And that I would be SOOO ANGRY too.

    I’m not so good with the words, but REALLY good with the hugs so I wish I could just hug you right now.

    xo

  9. Simone April 30, 2011 at 4:59 am #

    Dear dear friend.
    I have no words.
    Anything I could try to say would fall so far short.
    Just know that I am thinking of you.
    Sending my love across the net.
    And, will be, praying for you too.
    Love heaps from
    Me.
    xx

  10. SAHMlovingit April 30, 2011 at 7:04 am #

    I haven’t experienced your anger first hand but a couple of my best friends have lost their Mums. One at aged 17 and one at 38 – both cancer too, it’s fucking awful. I know that the anger will subside eventually, it all just takes time. I’m thinking of you and wishing I could give you a hug x

  11. Anna April 30, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    Darling, I can’t even imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes right now. I am angry for you, it is so cruel and something you do not deserve. I’m thinking of you lots, my heart is with you and will see you soon, when you’re ready. But for now lots of love and hugs xxxx

  12. TheMadHouse April 30, 2011 at 9:13 am #

    I could have left this post, if my oulaws hadn’t been reading my blog. I an angry too, so angry and it is getting worse rather than better. They called by yesterday, MIL didn’t even get out and dropped off (didn’t see the boys) £ each for the and some rock as they had just come back from holiday. This is the first thing they have done since mums funeral in January. I an so ANGRY I could hit someone

  13. Rosie Scribble April 30, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    I’m so sorry. I am angry for you too. You’ve suffered an enormous loss. I hope life gets a little easier in time. Everyone commenting here would take away your hurt if they could. Hugs.

  14. Kate April 30, 2011 at 10:57 am #

    I’m sorry, H. There’s not a lot else I can say right now but I know what you’re feeling is pretty usual. My kids will never know my Dad and so far, they are his only grandchildren by birth. They’re old enough to ask questions about where he is now and it kills me every time. One of them asked once why he went away every time we went to see my Mum and it made me cry.

    *hugs*

  15. Josie April 30, 2011 at 11:40 am #

    Love, H, I send you love. I wish I had more. I think anger is good sometimes, it is right. This is shit and you should be angry. Thinking of you often. x

  16. mumra April 30, 2011 at 2:07 pm #

    All I could do for you the first time I read this was publish it on my blog, and give you the space to say it out loud.

    It is so perfectly said H.

    Always in my thoughts…saw a tweet you sent today about feeling like you are becoming yourself. I know that feeling, its a journey this life the shit bits included and they all create us.

    xxx

  17. Julie Robinson April 30, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    I am so sorry for your pain. Feel the anger, feel the grief. Feel.
    This is how strong your Love is for her and for your Family.
    Jules

  18. bsouth April 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hot your rage is right now but I do know that you have every right to it. It so, so unfair.

    xxxx

  19. Nazima April 30, 2011 at 6:55 pm #

    Hi there. New to your blog but am so sorry that you have to go through this and I know we have not met but sending empathy to you. Nazima

  20. Livi May 1, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    oh sweety I know how you feel and you’re allowed to be angry and selfish. Even now, 10 years later, I’m still angry. I wish I could offer help and comforting words but I know that there is nothing anyone can say that can ease that pain. Just know that I’m sending love and I’m here if you need me. xxx

  21. Peta May 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    It’s been ages since I visited your blog and I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I couldn’t imagine a loss like yours at this time in my life – my thoughts are with you..xx

  22. Miss Jacq May 2, 2011 at 10:32 pm #

    I understand exactly how you are feeling right now. To this day, I still struggle to get my head around my Mum not being here. She never got the chance to meet Isaac and I found this extremely difficult to deal with. I remember a friend of mine saying to me “your mum probably seen your Son before any of us did”. I’ve held onto this saying as this is what gets me through my bad days. Nothing I can say will ease your pain honey….Nothing. I know as I’ve been there. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and if you need to let off some steam I’m here for you. Lots of love and hugs coming your way. xx

  23. elleonthego May 3, 2011 at 9:33 am #

    I’m so sorry. Losing a parent at any age is hard.
    My children will never know their grandparents. The sense of loss acute as it was when I was a teenager was echoed when I was pregnant with my first child.
    Cherish the moments you had, let the anger out.
    Take care, big hugs,
    Elle

  24. Michelle Twin Mum May 4, 2011 at 10:56 am #

    I would be completely angry too! I can not even imagine what it is like. You will be in my prayers.

    Mich x

  25. Harriet May 4, 2011 at 9:15 pm #

    I am late in realising and late in commenting, but it does not take away from how sorry I am.

  26. Anne May 6, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    this is not from me but thought it’s so true and beautiful…thinking of you and your family at this difficult time xxx

    How do you feel when you lose someone close to your heart,
    You feel like the world is upside down and torn apart,
    You don’t understand and can’t answer why?
    That the one you love happened to die,
    The pain and trauma that hits you hard,
    When through the post arrives a sympathy card,
    It brings everything to life and seems so real,
    You just want to be left alone to know how you feel,
    You feel sad and empty and something is missing,
    You need someone there, someone listening,
    You cry all night and let emotions flow,
    It is not understandable why this world let them go,
    You always want them back laying next to you,
    But you have to accept that what has happened is true,
    But you won’t get them back and you must carry on,
    And just remember that those memories of them forever live long…

  27. fenngirl May 7, 2011 at 9:00 am #

    Henrietta, I am not surprised you are angry. You have lost so much. I am just here to say that I am sorry. x

  28. Rachael Moore May 7, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    I understand. My dad would have been 60 this year. In three months it’ll have been five years since we spoke for the last time. I am bored of him being dead.

  29. Donna @ NappyDaze May 8, 2011 at 9:31 pm #

    You have very right to be royally pissed off and ripped off. I’d be feeling exactly the same. You execute your pain in your words perfectly, I can feel your heart pounding and your breath cursing as you type. Hopefully just that little act has taken the edge off just a wee bit..?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] has been some anger. Intermittently. Less than I expected. And yet, as I described in The natural order of things, […]

  2. I Am Grateful: Guest Post by Henrietta Pretty | The Passenger Diaries - July 16, 2011

    […] has been some anger. Intermittently. Less than I expected. And yet, as I described in The natural order of things, […]

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