Oooo I’m a lady!

11 Oct

I haven’t waxed since the summer of ’94
Don’t know my Brazilian from my French, Landing Strip from my Sphinx
Have never died my hair, rocked a fringe, perm, wave, or flick
Used face masks, exfoliaters, renewers or fillers,
Tried fake tan, spray tan, fake bake or moritz mousse
Been threaded, depilated, electrolysed or sugared
Manicured – Regular, French, Hot oil or Spa
Not prone to preening, pruning, buffing or de-muffing
Wearing falsies or lifters or soft gels or fillets
Never raunched in stockings, suspenders, bustiers, or garters
Or dazzled with bronzer, rouge, whitener or glitter.
And that my friends, is only for starters.
More Plain Jane than Fancy Nancy, more Low-mo than Fly-mo.

When i was younger, it didn’t matter so much. I always scrubbed up okay. Youth outshining laziness. But now that i’m older, more tired, stressed, sometime exasperated, often maladjusted – it’s slowly starting to show. A bit of roughness around the edges. Fine singed at the ends. Parched hands. Muffin topped.

It’s time i started learning the tricks of the trade. And fast.

19 Responses to “Oooo I’m a lady!”

  1. jfb57 October 11, 2010 at 5:17 pm #

    From that little avi, you’ll be fine! Just make sure you’ve got your lippy & you’re away!

    • marketingtomilk October 11, 2010 at 5:20 pm #

      hmm – don’t wear lipstick – ever!

      • MummyT October 28, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

        Vaseline. Slicks the lips. Also emergency treatment for hands, cos if you don’t do lippie i’m guessing you don’t do moisturiser either.

        Vis a vis waxing: you can actually get permanent laser hair removal, which means you lose the Scottie dog in a bikini effect permanently.

        I think we ungroomed folks will always be behind in the slickness wars, though. I did my first experiments with makeup at 25, rather than 15. Does rather show…

  2. Kirsty October 11, 2010 at 6:05 pm #

    Sounds like you have the right idea! Once you start doing all these things it’s hard to stop, and it’s so time consuming and expensive. But (and I’m never sure if it’s poor etiquette to mention forums in the blogging world) if you want to make some changes and get some ideas on where to start, the Style and Beauty board on Mumsnet is a good place to start. Having said that, I haven’t been on Mumsnet since I got sucked into the world of blogs! 🙂

  3. Sandrine October 11, 2010 at 6:59 pm #

    I’m like that too, and turning 40 next week… I think there’s a certain way of looking in the mirror that helps with the wear and tear. You have to put your head down a bit, like Lauren Bacall, and blink fast. And that’s not standing in front of the mirror – I’m sure you’re too busy for that! – but walking past it quickly. With the lights off.
    Seriously, looking around at women who groom and those who don’t I don’t see that much of a difference. Certainly not anything near the difference you see if you compare a normal person, made up or no, and a movie star. So why waste our time?
    (and you look super cute on the twitter photo!)

    • marketingtomilk October 11, 2010 at 7:07 pm #

      i’m slightly freaked by our similtaneous commenting ;<)

  4. Princess L October 11, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

    *grabs beauty box and runs over to the Milk’s abode*

  5. TheMadHouse October 11, 2010 at 7:13 pm #

    Oh I am so like you, apart from the fact that my haor is grey and I do dye!

    • marketingtomilk October 11, 2010 at 7:37 pm #

      i’m not sure whether i want to know what a greay haor is….sounds grimy ;<)

  6. Paula October 11, 2010 at 8:15 pm #

    I’ll bring the girls (age 5 and 4) and my facepainting box, we’ll be there in a jiffy…..

    P.S I’m not doing your waxing so don’t ask….


    • marketingtomilk October 11, 2010 at 8:22 pm #

      but apparently you don’t have to have your legs around your ears when it’s done. you can just hoik your pants up a bit like a gymnast of the ’80s. So, come on….just this once? i’m d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e.


      • Paula October 11, 2010 at 8:26 pm #

        I’m feeling everso slightly queasy now…. did you read in the news about the guy who did the charity B, S and C? A friend did it and they had to take him to casualty when he stripped off more than just hair.

        So, that’s a no Olga 😉

  7. Very Bored in Catalunya October 12, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    Ah I bet you look better for not going through all that rigmorale, unless of course you’re going to walking around in public in just your kecks or a bikini then you may want to do a bit of a trim and edge downstairs.

    • marketingtomilk October 12, 2010 at 12:07 pm #

      hmm, i feel the need to point out, i’m not rockin’ the hedgerow look there are alternatives to waxing…..

  8. Nmaha October 12, 2010 at 3:35 pm #

    Hmmm…one exception I epilate…..the rest of it I’m as grubby and happy as you.

  9. Mwa October 13, 2010 at 2:16 pm #

    Ooh, that’s me in a couple of years!

    (And SO well written – I loved it.)

  10. scribblingmum October 14, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    God, that’s me too. And I’m feeling the need to start taking notice too. The only thing I buy to make my self presentable is top lip hair remover from Boots. But, who can bloody afford it, all these potions and bits?! I think I’d look really bloody good if I made a bit of an effort. Nice new header by the way.


  1. Milk in 2011 « - December 31, 2010

    […] I can be far  too conversative (little c, little c)  a bit staid, careful, fearful. That I have experimented far too little and worried far too much.  That you really should stop once in a while and really take things in. […]

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