I admit it. I’m scared.

23 May

That’s right. Scared. Anxious. Most of the time.

They say its evolutionary. The fight or flight instinct. Except now we have nothing to use it for, so we experience it in all manner of inappropriate situations. It’s not necessary, and yet, ironically, it still plagues us.

And boy does it plague me.

I think i live in a state of anxiety 98.4% of the time. For most of that time i’m not even consciously aware of it. Certainly not aware why. It’s just a state of being. A state of mind.

And a state of body. All tense, painful and tight.

Funny thing is i’ve put myself into a situation in the past year which is crack cocaine to anxiety.

All the things i usually rely on to feel secure, routed, in control. All the familiar things, I’ve taken away from myself.

Walked away from my career. A good salary. A clear path of where i’m going. What i’m aiming for.

Found myself a mother of two.

Two noisy, messy, dangerous boys.

And i’m so not in control of very much anymore.

I certainly have no idea where i’m going. I’m not even sure what tomorrow holds.

Except a whole pile of washing and a lot of patience.

Have i made the right choices?

Am i being irresponsible?

Will i ever get my career back?

And it scares me. And i’m exhausted.

9 Responses to “I admit it. I’m scared.”

  1. Muddling Along Mummy May 24, 2010 at 8:51 am #

    Oh lovely its natural to be scared – big changes, life being less easy to control than pre-children and each decision is a biggie whether its children or life related

    You will have made the right decisions – yes there may have been other opportunities but right here and now you are doing the right things

  2. jomiddleton May 24, 2010 at 9:02 am #

    I think that all sounds totally normal. Last year I left a full time job to become self employed and it has been the most anxious year of my life! Not being able to control how much you work, how much money you make – it terrifies me!

    Young children make you question everything, but have faith in yourself and your decisions – if nothing else you have to believe that you are doing the best you can each day with the time and resources you have, and that all the choices you make are with the best of intentions. xx

  3. Deer Baby May 24, 2010 at 10:42 am #

    I know how you feel. I am having a crisis of confidence right now. It’s overwhelming sometimes. And then it goes. Hold fast to your beliefs – the reasons why you made the decisions. And if the situation changes, you can change with it. Nothing is set in stone. Parenting is letting go a bit of control. And it’s scary isn’t it? It’s going to be okay though.

  4. Rosie Scribble May 24, 2010 at 12:52 pm #

    I can relate to every word of this. Focus on the children, try not to worry about the future too much – the ifs and what ifs- everything will slot into place in good time. You don’t have to make any big decisions about life and careers today. It will all come together in the end. I worried myself stupid and it worked out okay although I never would have predicted that and often I felt exactly like you. xx

  5. jfb57 May 24, 2010 at 3:55 pm #

    The advice givenhere is just right. However, sometimes it is really difficult to focus on it. Anxiety is very clever & feeds on the slightest little things. I’ve suffered with it for many years & only now am I coming to terms with it & what it does. I’m also working out some strategies to cope.
    Hopefully, yours will be a ‘passing phase’. If it stays too long, get in touch!x

  6. JulieB May 24, 2010 at 5:24 pm #

    I’ve always been a worrier, anxious about the slightest, seemingly bizarre things. Sometimes it gets stronger, other times I can let it go. I know it’s easier said than done to try and focus on the here and now, and the positive things in your life, but I hope you find a way. x

  7. scribblingmum May 24, 2010 at 7:39 pm #

    I think it’s all normal too, I go through phases of feeling utterly out of control, not quite sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I certainly don’t EVER feel like I do 100% of a job whatever ‘role’ I’m performing. Maybe motherhood does that to you, for me having the second child definitely heightened all of these feelings for me. Does it help to know that we all feel like this sometimes? I’m never sure but I hope it helps just a bit. Take it easy and don’t give yourself a hard time about it H 🙂 x

  8. Nickie@Typecast May 24, 2010 at 8:25 pm #

    A little anxiety is good – it helps you remember you are alive 😉 and never doubt yourself either xx

  9. Livi May 25, 2010 at 12:24 am #

    Don’t let it overwhelm you, as Nickie said, a little anxiety is good, but you don’t want it to get out of control.
    Take some time out to pamper yourself, get your mind active, maybe find something that you can do around the children that makes you feel a little more stable.

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