Time

28 Apr

When i became a mother i also became aware of time. How quickly it passes. How once it’s gone you can never get it back. That you don’t know how much of it you’ve got.

You look at your baby and they are a constant reminder. Forever changing. Growing bigger every day. Learning new things. Walking. Talking. Thinking. So clever. So quickly.

I suppose it’s about understanding your own mortality for the very first time.

I remember when i was a teenager existential thoughts were easily dismissed “Well i can’t do anything about that, so i might as well live for the moment”. It just felt so far away. So intangible.

I threw myself out of aeroplanes with abandon. Experimented. Invincible.

Then a baby comes along, and time doesn’t seem to pass so slowly anymore. The end isn’t quite as far away as you thought. You become more nervous. More vunerable. You have so much more to protect.

Memory is fragile. You only really remember your children as they are now. You struggle to picture them as a baby. Remember them toddling. Recollect their first word.

You never take enough photographs. Never capture the moments you really wish you had.

I grieve for time like a lost friend.

And where once you were at the centre of things. You’re now on the outskirts looking in. At your children. The New Generation.

And time keeps passing. Ever more quickly.

(Thank you to the ever wonderful Deerbaby and her gorgeous post Kind of Blue for the inspiration.)

9 Responses to “Time”

  1. TheMadHouse April 28, 2010 at 7:13 am #

    I so agree with this, this is why I started my blog to try and capture the moments and hold each snapshot in my life forever

  2. Rosemary April 28, 2010 at 9:45 am #

    It gets worse and worse! First the weeks disappear (even from memory), then the months and eventually the years! Where, for instance, did 1990 go and what did I do then?

  3. Deer Baby April 28, 2010 at 10:40 am #

    Ah thanks for the mention – that’s really sweet of you.

    I love the way you’ve expressed this. Time does seem to slow down. You do feel more nervous and vulnerable. But then it all speeds up again doesn’t it? I could never understand why my mother couldn’t remember what our first words were, when we first spoke – all that sort of thing – and now I know. Unless you capture it somehow – in a baby book, a journal, a blog, it all just goes…..

    Beautiful post.

  4. Sophie April 28, 2010 at 2:19 pm #

    this is so beautifully written! I completely get that feeling, my little ones are only 3 and 1 but already I can’t remember things from when my (not so little) man was 1. I’m finding that blogging is helping though- it’s funny the phrase that a picture is worth a thousand words as I am finding that capturing the little exchanges mean more to me than all the pictures we take.

    I found your blog through the student mums group on BMB by the way.

    I’ve tagged you over at my blog: http://which-hat.blogspot.com/2010/04/happiness-is.html – hope it appeals!

  5. Saskia April 28, 2010 at 5:19 pm #

    Wow – that is so well put and recognisable I felt like crying (in the office – not good). Just recently I felt something that I have not felt before: regret. Regret for not having the children earlier, for not remembering so much of my life and fearing that I won’t remember a lot of the little moments I have with them. It’s so good to read the experience of others who feel the same way!

  6. tim April 28, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

    What beautiful writing.

  7. yummymummyno1 April 28, 2010 at 6:43 pm #

    So beautifully written x

  8. bsouth April 29, 2010 at 7:52 pm #

    Lovely post. You’ve expressed what I feel so eloquently.

    I wish I had more pictures of the girl when she was little. I feel like it’s lost time already. That’s why I keep on keeping on with the blog. I look back at the early days and am amazed at how much they’ve changed already.

  9. Rosie Scribble May 2, 2010 at 7:49 pm #

    I remember reading discusses about time a couple of years ago and thinking that actually, the baby years not fly by for me. They days actually seemed incredibly long. I did take lots of photos and I remember a lot of the detail. But then I look at my daughter, seven years old this July, and I realise that you are absolutely right. The years between 3 and 5 – I’m not sure where they went.

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