I haven’t waxed since the summer of ’94
Don’t know my Brazilian from my French, Landing Strip from my Sphinx
Have never died my hair, rocked a fringe, perm, wave, or flick
Used face masks, exfoliaters, renewers or fillers,
Tried fake tan, spray tan, fake bake or moritz mousse
Been threaded, depilated, electrolysed or sugared
Manicured – Regular, French, Hot oil or Spa
Not prone to preening, pruning, buffing or de-muffing
Wearing falsies or lifters or soft gels or fillets
Never raunched in stockings, suspenders, bustiers, or garters
Or dazzled with bronzer, rouge, whitener or glitter.
And that my friends, is only for starters.
More Plain Jane than Fancy Nancy, more Low-mo than Fly-mo.
When i was younger, it didn’t matter so much. I always scrubbed up okay. Youth outshining laziness. But now that i’m older, more tired, stressed, sometime exasperated, often maladjusted – it’s slowly starting to show. A bit of roughness around the edges. Fine singed at the ends. Parched hands. Muffin topped.
It’s time i started learning the tricks of the trade. And fast.