Maybe I’m unqualified to write this post seeing as, luckily, my family are still very much together. However, its something i feel really strongly about, and even more so since watching the fantastic BBC 2 series on fatherhood (Fatherhood Season).
It really pisses me off when some women bash on about fathers being unnecessary. That women can do it all on their own.
I’m not talking about situations where women find themselves on their own (or men) through death or abandonment. Of course both men and women can do brilliant jobs on their own if they have to (and thousands do a great job up and down the country – my mum was an ace single mum).
I’m not talking about same sex partnerships, where a child might have two mothers or two fathers. I’ve seen examples heaped on examples of truly fantastic parenting in “a-typical” family set-ups.
What i have a real issue with is women shutting out willing and able fathers because seemingly their hatred for their ex spouse is stronger than their desire to do the right thing for their children.
I’ve long had real sympathy for those cape crusaders standing about on public buildings. It’s true i don’t know all the backgrounds, and i’m sure there are cases where the woman is (or thinks she is) doing the right thing by her children by not letting them see their father. He is unreliable, lets them down too often. A bad influence. On drugs, or drink.
But where exactly does a flawed father become a better father by being absent? If a father is willing and able is it ever acceptable to shut them out?
Even if he pisses you off. Left you heartbroken for a woman half your age. Is it still not important to nurture your kid’s relationship with him?
In a society that screams for men to take responsibility. Embrace equal parenting. Why do we think it’s acceptable to see them as second class citizens once a relationship breaks down? Socially AND legally.
It just feels like a bit of a crap redundancy policy.
And good dads are really very special. Wait. Even moderately average dads are pretty damn important.
The only reason I live in the UK not in Australia is because I believe a child should have a right to see their father and build that relationship. I could have easily cut him out of our lives. I think it is a big sacrifice to make for them, especially in the middle of dark wet February!
So agree with you. It is not for the grown ups to decide. Leave it to the children to make their own choice of who they want in their lives!
It sure seems like there’s an anti-dad trend, doesn’t it? As if it’s become cool to spread hatred for the creator of your children…
I totally agree – kids need their Daddy. Of course there are situations where them seeing their Dad would do them more harm than good.. for instance if he’s involved in drugs or is violent. In a normal situation though I think Dads should be actively encouraged to be involved with their kids as much as they can.
Absolutely agree. I have a single friend who is not keen on her ex at all. He drinks fairly heavily and then can be rude to the kids. However she has maintained relationships with him and always encourages the kids to see him. She never criticizes him to them even though there is a lot to say. He is their father, not perfect, not even near but they have a right to know him as he has a right to see his kids.
My baby’s dad doesn’t see her. That’s HIS choice. She asks for him, she cries for him, and what do I say? I have to tell her, he isn’t here. He lives in another house. And it breaks my heart thinking of her growing up feeling like she isn’t good enough for him to want to see her. I thought once he saw her, how beautiful she is, how much like him she looks, he would fall in love with her like I did.
I was wrong. He’s seen her 3 times, at 9 months, 2 yrs and 4yrs. He’s never given her anything, he has never even rung on her birthday. He chooses to live in another country, busking and begging and squatting in disused houses, scavenging from bins and other people, with a 40 year old woman who’s just as feckless as he is.
This is my only sadness as a mother.
Even with your experiences, and with her father in his situation, you still wish things could be different and that they could have a relationship. You see the importance in it. You are doing the best job you can, and your daughter will be proud of you for it. x
I do wish they had a relationship, but life isn’t always fair. x
Great post – sadly people seem to forget the impact on the children of an acrimonious post split relationship
I increasingly am questioning the view that a mother has an implicit right to custody of her children and that a father has to take second place – yes, there are some things that only a mother can do, e.g. breastfeed, but the relationship with the father needs to be maintained
Yes i think i might be in that camp. We can’t have our cake and eat it. If women, through biology, are the primary nurturer, can we ask men to take equal share when things are going well but then shout this right when things go wrong?
I do agree with you on women who cut their children’s fathers out of the picture. I think, though (as with some of the caped crusaders), that when a man has been violent towards his ex-partner and/or the children, women should have the right to restrict access…
Swings and post-feminist roundabouts.
Absolutely. That goes without saying. x