The day my father died i knew i had to see him.
He’d always been afraid of death.
He asked me a handful of times to check his body. I think he was terrified of a medical mistake. Certified dead. Just sleeping.
I can understand that.
So i was compelled to go to him. To tell him it was okay. That i had checked. Made sure.
To reassure him that he could go.
Now i can scarcely believe that i visited just hours after being told he had gone.
Perhaps shock and numbness helped. Maybe it was the perfect day to do it.
I remember descending the staircase to the mortuary, into the dark underbelly of the hospital. An experience so surreal.
My husband asked if he could come in with me. I declined firmly. Somehow it felt disrespectful. I wanted to preserve his dignity.
On entering the room i staggered in shock. I remember a feeling so powerful, primal, physical. None like anything i’ve experienced before or since.
2 weeks later, the day before the funeral i visited my father again. This time at the undertakers. To say a final goodbye.
I remember being filled with the most overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Of thinking “Oh Daddy it is so wonderful to see you. I have missed you so much”.
And i had.
No longer shocked to see him there. A strange kind of familiarity. Able to say all the things i had wanted to without fear.
And i said goodbye for the 2nd time.
And i’m so glad i did.
This is an amazing post. My heart goes out to you but also my admiration. I couldn’t see either of my parents when they had died. In fact I left my father’s sick room moments before he died because I didn’t want to see him once he had gone. Thank you for sharing such personal memories.
This is such a moving post and so well written, it brought tears to my eyes.
I am over here from Baby Baby and I am really glad I found your blog!
a lovely, brave post in memory of your father – sure your dad is proud of you out there x
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Such an amazing and powerful thing to share, it has certainly made me think. Thank you.
Henrietta, what a beautiful and honest post, and tender. I’m so sorry you lost your father. Saying goodbye to our parents is such a deep and primal loss that it’s almost impossible to convey with words.
I remember cleaning up in the hospital room after my mom had died, gathering her belongings and packing them away, and it didn’t feel odd to be around her body, it felt natural. As if she was finally at peace after her long battle with cancer.
Hugs to you. xoxo
There is something in the way you wrote this that struck such a chord with me.
My father-in-law died two years ago, in August, when the whole city is shut, including undertakers. So it takes too long to organize things the way you would like.
I laid him out with the help of his carer because time was at a premium.
this part really struck a note
” I remember a feeling so powerful, primal, physical. None like anything I’ve experienced before or since.”
Because washing and dressing him with care and respect, to give him his dignity, gave me a profound, overwhelming, almost animal sense of knowing what love is once you strip away the sugary hearts, flowers and pretty words.
My heart goes out to you love, for the gap left in your life, for the price that accompanies the “rightness” of making the choice to say goodbye in the first person, for the tears that go hand in hand with the fond memories.
Big, fat hug. And know that by not flinching in the face of his wishes you honored him as fully as a daughter can.
What parent can ask for more.
I’m so sorry, it’s such a difficult time when you lose a parent. My Dad passed 2 weeks ago, and I’m still trying to process the information. I can’t quite come to terms with it yet.
Take care, I hope you have some support. x
Crying here. That’s so raw. My heart goes out to you x
I know that feeling you described it so well but I also felt the air being sucked from my lungs and a terrifying panic that my mum had gone. I was 17 she died at home and I was with her virtually till the last breath but left the room about half hour before she passed as I couldn’t cope. I also felt relief that it was over and she was not in pain any longer. She had skin cancer she was only 38 when she died and I still miss her terribly. A really lovely written post xx
Beautiful. xxx
A really pure post Henri, my heart goes out to you. Timely for me as it would have been my Dads birthday tomorrow, I’ve been longer without him than with him now, strange. I am sure he was very at peace knowing you were there, proud of you. x
I am going to have to stop reading your blog. My dad died nearly 10 years ago and I sat with him as he took his last breath, me and MadDad on one side and my mother on the other, I then helped the nurse remove some of the lines, but we had to leave in his breathing tube nad canulas.
He was warm when I left him.
it was a week later after the post mortum that I next saw him. My mum had asked that I go and pop a cigar in his pocket and make sure he look like dad. It was a sureal experiance, but I did it and in to his shirt pocket went a cigar and I left with a kiss.
I still miss you Daddy, everyday. Maxi is names after my dad and he would have loved my boys.
One thing I learnt is that the time doesn’t heal. You come to terms with it, you learn to live with it, but you never stop missing someone you loved and whom you have lost.
You grow up, have your own children, live through precious moments wishing THEY were here as well, sharing these moments with you. You spend months hoping that your babies are going to look a little bit like THEM, and then get filled with joy when you see familiar traits in your kids’ faces, familiar gestures… Sense of happiness and sadness at the same time, as well as security – that THEY are still here, watching over you.
It doesn’t get easier.
Just found your blog and this post is very well-said. I’ve lost both my parents and it is a hard road. Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing.
Wow. Very Moving post. Hugs to you.
xx
Such a moving post. Truly beautiful x
Beautiful post and very moving.
We all grieve in different ways, time does heal but you never forget.
It sounds like you have great memories for you to cherish,very precious!
I did the same thing, saw my Dad twice after he died, the first time it was just too hard to say anything, my mum and step-mum were both there which didn’t help. The second time I went alone and just let go.
Finding the way you need to say goodbye is really important. What a moving post.
I have not had to go through this process yet however this post brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat as you convey so well what I fear and know will one day come…
And I’m very glad you said goodbye twice. That was brave but memorable for you
What a powerful and beautiful post. I am full of admiration for you on so many levels. You are a brave, strong person and I am sure your daddy was, and still is, immensely proud of you.
My heart goes out to you. What an amazing post. I was with my Dad when he died. I said my goodbyes then and didn’t go to see him after that (I saw my late brother twice in the funeral parlour and found it profoundly upsetting). I don’t regret not seeing my Dad again, but I did get my Uncle to check that he looked okay and that they hadn’t put a tie on him – he never wore them. I’m so sorry for your loss x
Really moving and emotional. Love going out to you. x
Thanks. I couldn’t say good bye to mine like that, it was too much for me at the time. But I’ve found time does heal things. But it takes the time it takes. x